Dear Rory. Dear Rory, How do I find a rich husband? Dear Gentle Reader, Rich Husbands are a rare and gentle breed. They require the only the best Gold Digging Sluts that money has to buy. So let's make you the best Gold Digging Slut out there! Examine Your Wardrobe Once again, credit to the always demure and graceful Coco. How many spandex/items from Forever 21 do you currently own? If your answer was under 25 pieces you are woefully unprepared. I suggest you open up charge accounts at Victoria's Secret and Forever 21 immediately and max them out. You need the wardrobe to get the man. Think "Classy Slut"! Personality Your personality should resemble cardboard. The less you have the better. What rich man wants someone that has an opinion? Centrainly not me. Speaking of opinions, You should never have one. Unless it completely agrees with his. After all, who do you think you are? An equal partner? Ha! Channel Barbie. Isn't that what our society taught us? Barbie always gets the perfect (rich) Ken. Why think when you can be pretty? Tehee! Tastes Have an opinion? Don't. Like I said previously, leave it at the door of your 25 bedroom mansion! Because when you are this rich, who cares about your opinions. Say "Yes", look pretty, nod a lot and bang your pool boy, because that is the only love and affection you will ever get. And always remember that nothing in this world matters more than money! Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, I like to workout, but recently I found guys checking me out a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean all the time. It is starting to make me feel uncomfortable at the gym. What should I do? - Not Liking the Gym Dear Uncomfortable, Sometimes it is hard being hot and sexy. My first question is: How tight are your spandex workout clothes? Let's see if any of these photos ring a bell. Example A: Example B: Credits: All above photos are from the always glamourous and demour Coco. While working out in lucite heels is always a good idea, Camel Toe is usually frowned upon. Fortunatly for you a new and amazing solution has been found! Instead of having a horrific camel toe, you can now have a gargantuan left thigh.(It helps cover up the camel toe and the source of your discomfort). Sure scientists and genetic engineers will study you, but at least you will no longer be stared at like a hot sex object. Phew! *pats sweat off brow* "Down with camel toe. More Gargantuanism" - chants all Mormons My advice for you is that if you want to dissuade all interest is to simply wear dirty, smelly old rags. Problem Solved!
Smell Well, Dear Rory Dear Rory, My vagina hurts all the time, what do I do? Dear, Long John Dear Gental Reader, Please know that I can barely spell Gental Reader at this point. Go margaritas! Your problem sounds of great importance and I shall address it as such. An unhappy vagina = an unhappy reader. And I never like an unhappy reader. First of all let's ask ourselves: Why is your love muffin/bread maker/pineapple juice central unhappy? <insert images of several bread makers> As a reader of DearRory.com, I certainly hope you've been getting your fill of "fun". But there is a limit to many men you can service a day. Try and keep it below 50 or so. *Sigh. Memories* Additionally, I hear cranberry juice helps hurting "flowers that are ripe to bloom" into happy blossoms. Sooooo: Cranberry+Vodka+ Proper Bartender = No Pain, Maybe New Boyfriend and Good Times. Drink it up darling! So in short, be a wise slut. Use protection and look at lots of paintings that look like pretty vaginas. (key to life) Is this one a vajayjay? I couldn't tell. With Love,
Dear Rory P.S. and your pineapple is not a clown car. Do not become a Michelle Dugar. Georgia would not approve. kk Rory you wanna give me sum advisejust so happens i need sum . i went to buy a piece of art yesterdaya bateman called ocean rhapsody i also seen another i liked called Tembo same artist i can get Tembo now and even taked the guy down in price , i really want ocean rhapsody but i will have to wait to locate one and get it shipped ..hmmmmmmm what to do Translation*: Dear Incredibly Handsome and Wonderful Rory, I hear you give amazing advice and I just so happen to be in need of some. I am in the market to buy a new piece of art and am torn between two pieces. One of the pieces is entitled "Ocean Rhapsody" and the other is entitled "Tembo". I like the "Tembo" because I am getting a fair price on it and it is available right now. Although, I REALLY want the "Ocean Rhapsody" but I would have to track one down and wait for it to arrive. I'm torn and know that only your wisdom and sage advice can help me out of this terribly difficult predicament. Much Love, Locci (a.k.a Your #1 Fan!!!) * Artistic licence may have been used. Dear Locci (a.k.a My #1 Fan!!!), It sounds like you have dug yourself into quite a major situation here. Picking out pieces of artwork to collect can be the hardest part of one's day! I get tired just thinking about it. My advice on concerning art or beautiful objects has always been this: Buy what you love! If you love it now, you'll probably continue loving it in the future. If you just kind of like it now, you'll probably end up growing tired of it. So buy the the one you love. And if you happen to love them both, then you should buy them both! Happy Art Shopping,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, Every couple of weeks I end up grabbing a grilled chicken taco from Del Taco accompanied by their delicious spicy hot sauce for a quick lunch near the office. I find it a consistent product at a fair price, which is hard to find downtown. The problem I'm having with this Del Taco location is due to an inappropriate acting Manager. She likes me. She really, really likes me. It makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to handle it since I've clearly shown no interest in a 68 year old Guatemalan Grandmother. How can I make it more clear to her that I want a chicken taco and not her fish taco? Troubled in TacoLand, -Nacho Daddy Dear Nacho, Purchasing a cheap Mexican food item can be the hardest part of one's day. Should I get a special burrito; should I get a Doritos taco; should I just stay classic and get a bean and cheese burrito with fire sauce? The Humanity!!I I can empathize with the crushes many service worker develop. I often have to beat them off with churros and bananas.. But enough about me, let's talk about you and Senora Bonita. Latin American Abuelitas love three things: 1) New Babies 2) Hot Chocolate (this is skewed by my seeing hot chocolate packaging pictures. Should I give her one cup? All the peeps say: Yes!) 3: Fish Tacos and some more grandbabies They really want just those three things. Pretend that you intend to give the afore mentioned items and life is fine. Most of all, they love the TACO!!! The love of the "Taco" is everywhere! Just embrace it and have fun! Taco Flavored Kisses,
Dear Rory P.S: Give her a NIETA! (en inglés, a Grandaughter!) Dear Rory, would like to know what are the thoughts behind December 21,2012. Exaclty what's going happen to earth ? Dear Rose, Fear not! The Mayan calender does not end in 2012. It is simply the end of a cycle and archaeologists recently found new paintings that illustrate that point: Time goes on.http://www.npr.org/2012/05/13/152519575/maya-artwork-uncovered-in-a-guatemalan-forest?sc=fb&cc=fp On the other hand, we're all probably going to die. Maybe from Asian bird flu, maybe from a North Korean missile test, maybe the TSA will decide we all should die and kill us all of if we dare to board a plane. My magic eight ball is cloudy and I cannot say for certain.You should watch more Fox News. They are so smart and will be able to help you in this upcoming battle. Go Fox News! More Kitty Kisses, Dear Rory Dear Gentle Readers,**UPDATE** I was sharing wine with friends (a.k.a me) when I wrote this post. Please enjoy my drunken writing style. Dear Rory, Lately, penguins have been invading my dreams. What is the message? -Ashton Kucher Dear Ashton, After extensive research, a.k.a. googling what penguins in a dream means, I found a lovely website for dream interpretation: http://www.dreammoods.com It says: Penguin To see a penguin in your dream signifies that your problems are not as serious as you may think. It serves as a reminder for you to keep your cool and remain level-headed. Alternatively, seeing a penguin in your dream suggests that you are being weighed down by your emotions or by a negative situation. You need to find some balance and inner harmony So my thoughts are that after cheating on Demi and banging all those cheap whores, it isn't as bad as you think. But you should seek balance in all the whores you stick your man finger into. A couple cheap whores totally fine, but a lot of cheap whores es no bueno. Seek some balance dude! And on another note, stick a glove on it. You wouldn't want to get THIS pregnant: Wrap It Up,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, My beloved kittycat, Vanessa, refuses to speak to me. Neither will she return my texts and/or voicemails. I am worried that she has a fungus. I would like take her to the veterinarian but, for reasons that I don't feel comfortable discussing at the moment, I am currently restricted from entering the premises of any of my local veterinarian offices. What do I do about Vanessa? I fear this fungus is destroying us. Please help. I am desperate Dear Desperate, I think this issue goes much deeper than just fungus. Let's delve into why your cat is no longer speaking to you. What have you done to Vanessa?! Have you changed her brand of cat food? Did you have sex while she was watching? Did you not buy her the fantastic new collar embedded with Austrian crystals and gold accents that she had her heart set on? Did you get yet another cat and, thereby subliminally conveying the message that you don't love her anymore? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you are a terrible owner and do not even deserve a dismissive glance from our dear precious Vanessa. You had better think long and hard about what you did and what your priorities are. Because, right now, my advice to the lovely Vanessa would be to pack her kitty bags and move onto greener pastures. Kitty Kisses,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, I love my husband to death, but I don't know if I can handle him in the morning anymore. Here's the problem: He won't get up. He would prefer to stay in bed all day long rather than jump in the shower at the crack of Noon and join me for lunch. How do I raise the Bear? -Sleepless in Cartegana Dear Gentle Reader, Etiquette and decorum are an integral part of everyone's life. That is why is so very important (unless it's a dire emergency) to never wake a sleeping bear. They tend to be unhappy, rash and in the mood for human blood when startled awake. My best advice to you is to just let a bear (oso) sleep. You should go have some coffee, paint a picture or go purchase some emeralds for the amazing, sleeping and wonderful bear. Amazing Advice. Always! Love Forever,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, The mouth breathing heathens at my office always eat the food that I store in the office fridge for lunch. How should I dispose of the dead bodies of their first born children when I am done murdering them? Thanks! Viola Ant Dear Viola, This reminds me of a wonderful Lifetime-esque film I just watched at the Bogota Hilton. It was entitled "The First Born". Basically, the plot involved a woman's deep descent into insanity due to her pregnancy and first months of child rearing. **Spoiler alert** She buries her own child and is totally whacked out on medication in the end. So just let nature run it's course. Let your co-workers get pregnant. Give birth. Go insane. And "take of of" their own children. That way you don't have to do a single thing. Ahhhh, the joys of child bearing. Sincerely,
Dear Rory Dear Rory- What should I do if I find the 'previous advice' page so humorous that i CAN'T stop reading it!? Dear Cannot Get Enough, You should tell all your friends (and even if they aren't that close) about DearRory.com. Questions are needed for responses. Amazing Advice. Always! Love Forever, Dear Rory I am about to meet this girl through common friends,we will go out next week all together(her 2 friends and her ,me and my 2 friends.Note that me and her will be the only single since the rest are already in relationship with each other). She already knows that i am interested in her....I didnt like that(her friend told her while she was not supposed to).She also said "ok let's go out but tell him not to do anything that i will feel uncomfortable" I feel locked down as I already feel i will be judged hard from the first second and in general...she dont want me to do anything that will make her uncomfortable...WTF RORY HELP!!!!WHAT DO I DO? Dear Trapped & Blue (aka international reader),
Being young and attractive I have never known what it feels like to be unwanted. So I am going to put on my ugly face mask and thinking cap for this one... Gems. Lots of gems. Wear some, bring some for her. I've never known a woman or man to resist the sparkle. Maybe pearls; everyone loves a good mega pearl necklace! Happy Hunting, Dear Rory Dear Rory,
i slid my cock to far up my toy and the razor blades are cutting in far to deep it i move my cock at all i will slice my dick open PLEASE help me. Dear Barely Understandable Reader, First of all: Don't use sex toys with razors included. Second of all: This is a REAL advice column. Only REAL advice is given. Good Luck With Your Future Endeavors, Dear Rory Dear Rawr, Who will be answering your Dear Rory questions while you are having your birthday vacay in Columbia? Yours truly, Missing you Terribly Dear Gentle Reader,
It is true that I will vacationing in Columbia for my birthday. But fear not! I would never pawn you off on a second rate hack of an advice columnist. I will try and take time out of my busy schedule of visiting botanical gardens, shopping and <insert Columbia themed activities here> to respond to your advice requests. That is how much I love my gentle readers! Be well and think wonderful thoughts of me on vacation. With Love, Dear Rory Dear Rory, I can't seem to find my house keys anywhere. Where did they go? Signed, One Lost Soul Dear Lost Soul. You poor thing; lost house keys can be worse than a splinter. What if you never find them? What if you are locked out of your house forever? What if you are damned to sit outside your own front door, hopelessly pawing at it like a mangy stray dog certain to die of exposure and/or starvation? The HORROR! Lucky for you Dear Rory is here to help. I have come up with a few ideas that will get you out of this incredibly dangerous position: 1) Consult a psychic. They know everything. Period. 2) Call the local police and firemen. Your taxes pay their salaries and they better work for it! Send them all out on a dire mission to find your precious lost keys. 3) Write your congressman. See #2 4) Hire your neighbor's children. This one of the few cases were those overweight bags of bacteria and disease are actually useful. They have a knack for finding small lost things and will work for pennies. 5) Hire a homeless person. See #4 6) Check your hand. Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, I can only get aroused when I'm on or near Stow Lake. Most gentlemen callers aren't keen on Strawberry Island rendezvous. I just don't know what to do. -Randy Randy Dear Randy Randy,
I found this question one of my most diffiicult to answer in a while, but after extensive research and hours of pondering, I think I have found you an answer. It's something called Craigslist PnP and it only costs $30! http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/62827316.aspx Everyone (aka the people in my brain) I spoke to said that the PnP people will go anywhere and pretty much do anything for a "party". So you are in luck! I adore Strawberry Hill and am happy to help find new companions for your "picnics". Keep that chin up and have fun picking strawberries. With Love, Dear Rory Dear Rory, Do these shoes go with this sweater? -Fancie DeLarouge Dear Fancie,
Quick answer: Yes. Long Answer: matching a classic sweater set to shoes can be the hardest part of one's day. I cannot even begin tell you how many hours Dear Rory has pondered a particular pairing of sweater and shoes. The most important part is that you make a statement and look amazing while doing it. Designer sweaters and animal prints usually work well together, especially if you have acrylic nails. The most important part is that you FEEL as AMAZING as you look. Patent leather pumps with blue fur? Sure. Ballet flats with an over-sized gem sweater? Of course! You just have to feel beautiful. Happy Wearing, Dear Rory Dear Rory:
I'm writing with a rather delicate question - I truly hope you can help me! My former best friend Ricardo and I had been buds since high school - we were in almost every class together and often would get into shenanigans after school. After both graduating from DeVry, we found ourselves back in our small midwest hometown married to dyslexic twins we met at the county fair, and operating a mechanic shop that converted Priuses into farm combines. Ricardo gradually got mixed up with some shady characters - he started doing a fair amount of cocaine and neglecting his wife (my sister-in-law) and instead began showing his affections to Bulah, the runner-up best-in-show cow from the aforementioned county fair. (In Ricardo's defense, Bulah -was- a looker, and could party with the best of the barnyard animals.) Gerontius the bull (Bulah's father) didn't take too fondly to all this, and blamed the government for the ills afflicted on his daughter by the hands of the liberal elite. Furthermore, he was incensed when, on a 3 day bender, Bulah broke her father's piggy bank to score more cocaine for her and Ricardo. Imagine how much more enraged Gerontius became when, a few weeks later, he learned that his daughter was expecting not just a child but twins(!) fathered by Ricardo. Gerontius, in a fit of rage, began plotting his revenge. After careful consideration, he hired a Bolivian ninja to take murderous revenge on Ricardo for shaming him and his once-proud bovine family. The Ninja, a nymphomaniac named Franco, snuck up on the lovers late one night in the barn Ricardo had built for Bulah and he just outside of town, and dispatched my dear friend with terminal efficiency. Franco, so overcome with lust at having encountered his quarry "in delicto flagrante" with Bulah, proceeded to make sweet love to her after his brutal slaying of Ricardo. He fell asleep during his post-coital smoke, his cigarette falling to the soft hay below and setting the clandestine lovers' barn ablaze. Its orange glow could be seen from the town center 3 miles away. My question for you is this: Should I serve Sancerre or Chardonnay with Poached Salmon? Oh, and do you have Ricardo's coke dealer's phone number? Many thanks, -R Razooble Dear Razooble, I always find Chardonnay a bit garish; Sancerre would be a better choice for your dinner party. Happy Entertaining, Dear Rory Dear Rory, I'm in a love triangle with a psychotic woman and a gorgeous woman with combat training. Both of them are armed... what should I do? Dear Gentle Reader, It must be a *gasp*, Fight To The Death for your love. May the best Woman Win!!! *throws scarf* Or better yet, just listen to this: Best of Luck,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, For the past couple years I've been blessed with perfect health. However this morning I woke up to a sore throat and a splitting headache. It looks as though I've caught the common cold. Despite countless of discoveries and innovations the remedy for the common cold does not exist. So Rory, what do you find to be the best remedy for the common cold? - Sick, and grumpy. Dear Sick and Gumpy, As any medically trained professional (such as Dear Rory) will tell you, the best cure for the common cold is vitamins, rest and plenty of fluids. But after contacting several celebrity doctors (that I want to exist only in my brain, but really are out there) a new magic formula has been found!!! It consists of: cocaine, marijuana, the muscle relaxant Flexeril, the allergy medication Benadryl, the anti-anxiety medication Xanax, and a nice long hot bath!
Feel Better Soon, Dear Rory Dear Rory,
People find me so funny that at times it can be uncomfortable. How do I get them to take me more seriously? Signed, Hilariously Heavy Hearted Dear Heavy Hearted, :/ Dear Rory has to deal with this problem as well ~.~. ALWAYS.(-_~) No matter what or how you say something, people always find it humorous and don't listen the bitch slap of a comment you trying to slather upon them. ^.o.^ The best soloution I've found thus far are to put in a lot angry/evil looking emoticons. :D for example: That was my brie and apple sandwich =.= (evil eye) or How dare you say I look like Pink Slime! >.> (dagger eyes) or Why did you sell my cat to the chinese restaurant .... again? Q_Q (tears) or This chicken tastes familiar 0<>0 or OMG. You are so Funny! (^o^) ...... doesn't really apply to this serious post. =.= and My very favorite of all (I learned it from a 20ish year old computer game student) is: >:( ^ rape face http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rape%20face=.= d(@.@)b >.< >:( <3 Happy Emoticoning <3, Dear Rory >:( Dear Rory, What should I wear today? Oh, nevermind, I already have my suit picked out! MWAH! xoxoxo Dear Suit Wearer, While wearing a suit may be acceptable on some occasions, I always suggest something with a little more glamour and pizzazz! Here are some fun examples: Do my Gentle Readers have any other suggestions?
Happy Wearing, Dear Rory Dear Rory, I tend to date losers. The last guy was 32 and worked at California Pizza Kitchen. I didn't even know CPK was still in business. So my question is, why go to CPK when you can get the same exact pizza in the frozen food section of the grocery store? And what the hell is a Chipotle Chicken pizza? Signed, Confused Dear Confused, Being unfamiliar with the California Pizza Kitchen, I chose to contact their executive PR specialist (aka an ex-server that worked there during college) and you may be surprised at all the amazing and interesting facts that Dear Rory has learned. First of all, the clientele are mostly old people or moms with strollers, making the CPK a mega MILF hunting ground; probably why your stud of an ex worked there. On that note, he may be after a type; time to rethink the wardrobe. Secondly, there are many dishes that simply cannot be found in the frozen pizza aisle. Help yourself to some of their specialty pizzas. The Tricoloré, a gastronomical experience, is served covered with a tossed salad or a BLT is smothered in a super special mayo sauce. Thirdly, this is a Chipotle Chicken Pizza: So, I'm going to go with Pink Slime.
Happy Eatings, Dear Rory Due to popular demand (and me deciding to buy this domain name after a few cocktails one night) Dear Rory is back! Now who needs some advice?!
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Dear RoryAmazing Advice. ALWAYS! Archives
May 2017
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