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Deal of the Day!

3/31/2017

 
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For the low low price of $2,990 USD, you can be the most fashionable person on your block. Who cares about the woman on your street that has a 50 million dollar diamond?! 
directboats.com/swanpaddleboat.html?utm_source=googlepepla&utm_medium=adwords&id=60306043005​
You can have a paddle swan that you use or do not use. Who cares? you have a swan paddle boat!
So much fun!
Happy Paddling,
​Dear Rory

Texan Woman Troubles

3/25/2017

 
Dear Rory,
You are amazing and always give such sage advice. So I need your help.
What's with girls and always bringing up their ex's?

-Desperate in Texas
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Dear Texan Gentle Reader,
​Woman are complicated and very delicate creatures. Think of them as antique dolls.
When she speaks of her ex, she is trying to tell you what she likes about him or her and what you are doing wrong.
Because everything you do is wrong. EVERYTHING!
So, listen, nod and tell her she is beautiful. That usually solves most problems. 
Additionally, she speaks of her ex often for you might have a small penis.(she's a size queen)

Best of Luck,
Dear Rory

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Poem of the Day!

3/23/2017

 
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There once was a man from Nantucket, 
Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 
He said with a grin 
As he wiped off his chin, 
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it! 
​
Dear Rory thinks this is a classic limerick that needs to be shared to all that have not heard it before.

You Are Very Welcome,
Dear Rory

More Woman Troubles

3/23/2017

 

Dear Rory,
I am in a difficult situation in life. I am pregnant again and I don't think we can afford another child. I already have three children. What should I do?
With Child in Montana


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Dear Gentle Reader,

Dear Rory understands your predicament. Children can be fun, but they are expensive and full of shit. Literally. Full and just full of shit. And more shit. So, instead of having another child, just use a wire hanger and go for a fun vacation in Mexico like Dear Rory will do in a few days!
Vacation is so much more than children!
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Happy Fishing,
Dear Rory

Breaking news! (literally)

3/22/2017

 
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nypost.com/2017/03/21/bull-gores-11-inch-horn-up-matadors-butt/​

Deal of the Day!

3/21/2017

 
For the low low price of $60 million USD (estimate) You can own this exquisite 59.60 ct pink diamond. 
www.thejewelleryeditor.com/videos/fine-jewellery/is-this-the-next-record-breaking-diamond/?action=play​
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You can be the most glamorous person on your block. Who cares about the lovely Gucci shoes the harlot bought down the street when you have the most valuable diamond up for auction on your hand?
Dear Rory says "Go Big or GO Home!"
Happy Shopping and Good luck at the auction in Hong Kong (It is actually a really boring city).

You're Welcome,
​Dear Rory


On a side note: the model's finger nails are awful. For $60 million USD we deserve better. Find a new manicurist.

Recipe of the Day!

3/20/2017

 
Dear Gentle Readers,
Dear Rory would like to share a secret recipe with you that will dazzle at any elegant dinner party. And the best part is that even a 4 year old could make it!

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2 packets of lime jello
1 can of Redi-Whip (cool-whip could suffice)
1 can of pineapple chucks (well drained)
a handful of chocolate covered gummy bear or tootise rolls

Step 1: boil 2 cups of boiling water
Step 2: dissolve the jello
Step 3: add a 1 cup of cold water to the jello
Step 4: let the jello set for 30 mins
Step 5: Mix in the chunks of canned pineapple
Step 6: slightly oil the bunt pant or any other mold with a little vegetable oil
Step 7: pour the jello mixture into mold and chill for 4 hours
Step 8: slightly warm the mold in warm water for an easy release (you can use you fingers to help get it out. Just wash your hands before doing so)
Step 9: Flip onto a plate and decorate with your amazing "whipped cream" and gummy bears

All of your friends will be amazed and dazzled by your cooking talents. So therefore you will be invited to all of their future dinner parties! You are welcome for the sage advice.

Happy Cooking,
​Dear Rory





Deal of the Day!

3/19/2017

 
For the low low price of $1100 you can be the most fashionable person on your block! (way better than that stupid  fat whore slut that bought those plastic knee jeans)
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shop.nordstrom.com/s/gucci-kimberly-embellished-pump-women/4345405?cm_mmc=displayfb-_-kenshoo-_-ret-_-76521855​

Pokemon Master

3/18/2017

 
Dear Rory,
How can I become the very best pokemon trainer in the world?
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Dear Hopeful Pokemon Trainer,
The road to becoming a Pokemon Master is long and difficult. It requires hours, days and years of training. And honestly, more balls than you can even imagine.
Hours and hours of constant ball work. Hours!
Dear Rory recommends you stock up on energy drinks, forget whatever life/job you have and make yourself the best Pokemon Master Ever! Ever! EVER!
With Love,
Dear Rory
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Gassy Kisses

3/18/2017

 
Dear Rory,
First I have to say I am your #1 fan.
​But my real question is: I have this girlfriend right and she has this problem... really what happens is she always farts on me and then she just laughs. I always say ewww gross and then she calls them air kisses.
Should I lock this down or what?
Dear Gentle Reader,

It is obvious that your girlfriend finds this amusing. She is a disgusting bitch and you should probably get rid of her. Maybe in a river or a swamp. Both work.
If one needs to fart Dear Rory recommends simply walking outside or going to the vanity room. 
It is so very déclassé to fart in public, even more so upon your love interest. 
So I recommend a Swamp, it could suit her
gaseous nature. Additionally,​ bodies are harder to find.

With Hope and Love,
Dear Rory
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Helpful Suggetions

3/17/2017

 
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Hello Web Admin,
​ I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword....wait there's even more Now what if i told you there was a simple Wordpress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That's right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. <a href="http://www.SeoOptimizationGuide.com">Seo Plugin</a>
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Dear Unsolicited Advice Giver,

First or all, Dear Rory has no idea what you just said. 
Secondly, to put it
politely, go eat a dick. I like my website the way it is. Thank you very much!

With Love,
Dear Rory

Baby Fun Pizza Times!

3/14/2017

 
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Delivery in 30 mins or your baby is free!

Deal of the Day!

3/14/2017

 
For the low low price of $95, you can be the most fashionable person on your block!
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shop.nordstrom.com/s/topshop-clear-knee-mom-jeans/4619337?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLUE

Slightly Gassy

3/9/2017

 
Dear Rory,
​I'm writing with a slightly embarrassing problem. I suffer from constant gas attacks. I try and hold it in, but time after time, my flatulence rears its' stinky head. Why just today, I was at the Safeway store thumping on the cantaloupes to check for ripeness, when a thumping started in my pants. That's right, with each knock on the melon, my melon was knocking out gaseous emissions at an alarming rate. I've tried changing my diet, I've tried taking those beano pills, but nothing seems to help. You're my only hope,
​Dear Rory. How do I end the gassy blooms that flower out of my pants every day.
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Dear Flatulent Reader,
While I adore your 'floral" language, this sounds to be a serious problem. The first thing that comes to my mind is tape worms. (I have my M.D. from an online course based in Fiji)
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Additionally, your method of choosing cantaloupes is incorrect. You smell them, not "knock them". They should smell "floral" and ripe. If you cannot tell the difference, the tape worm has gone to your brain. And you are probably going to die within the month. Please leave all of your will to Dear Rory.
Happy Knocking!
Love Always,
Dear Rory

Candy!

3/7/2017

 
Dear Rory,
​I love candies! i love candies so much! But candies doesn't like me. They make me feel bad everytime i eat them. I feel so heavy and like i eat all sugar from the world. Sometimes if i don't buy any candy i feel sad cause i'm greedy of sugar. Will candies make me fat if i eat them all?
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Dear Delicate Reader,
I have good news and bad news.
​Bad news: Yes, if you "eat them all" it will make you fat.
Good news: You can simply stick your finger down your throat and make yourself vomit. That way you can taste the delectable sweets twice, TWICE!, without the calorie intake. It's a Win Win! Yay!
Happy Barfing!
With Love,
Dear Rory

Confused

3/6/2017

 
'Hello Dear Rory,
First, I have to say that am a huge fan of yours. Secondly, and why I am writing in: I am 20 y old boy from ousside of Murica and I think I have a problem. Last night I had a sex with a man for the first time, and I really liked it. But the guy said 'no homo' before we did it, so it doesn't count right? Am I gay or nahhh?
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Dear Gentle Reader,
I can understand your confusion and anxiety; it is only natural after you get your delicate blossom banged for 7 hours straight without even a break for water (I applaud your fortitude).... This is why I always keep a glass of water on the nightstand. 
​
Sexuality is a fluid thing and depends on who your are attracted to. You do not need to label yourself. You can like men and women; if you want to say you are gay. Great! Gay guys are the best in my opinion. If not, you can be the "gay guy" that your girl amazingly turned you into a heterosexual man because her Vag is super amazing! *Hahaha! tosses hair and waits for wedding ring*

Do whatever makes you happy.
Except raping and killing babies. Dear Rory looks down upon that. (it will not cure your AIDS)

Warm Wishes,
Dear Rory



​
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P.S. If anyone ever says 'no homo", It is full on homo. Use a condom; you don't want a George Clonney ass.

Is This a New Sport?

3/4/2017

 
Dear Rory,
​A new phrase recently came to my attention and I'm very confused by it. The phrase is "Cunt Punt" and I don't know how to properly use it in a sentence. Is it a verb? A noun? Please help! I really like the way it rolls off the tongue, but I don't want to embarrass myself by using it improperly.
Many thanks,
​Cunt Punt Challenged
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Dear Cunt Punt Challenged Reader,
​Dear Rory understands your confusion. (I may or may not have answered your inquiry before.This is the joy of having a diet that consists mostly of vodka and cigarettes. Everything is a SURPRISE And NEW!)
I have heard the term front butt, just to be sure, had to Urban Dictionary "Cunt Punt" to confirm.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cunt%20punt
It is such a lovely term and so very elegant; I decided to compose a Haiku about it:
Cunt Punt Whore Face Slut
I Will Kick You In Front Butt
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
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George Clooney Genital Wart Colony

3/4/2017

 
Dear Rory,
I have an odd cluster of genital warts that looks surprisingly like George Clooney. I also have this bomb ass mama that lives down the street and she just LOVES George Clooney. So, do you think I could use these celebrity wannabe butt warts to score with her? If so, how? I've got hot glue, a large bag of saved up dog hair, and probably at least seventy two cents in change.
Much love,
​ClooneyBumps in Azusa
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Dear Gentle Reader,
I often get this question because most genital warts look like George Cloony, Mel Gibson or Bono. First, I highly recommend making an appointment with your doctor to address this issue. But interim why not have fun with it?! use your 72 cents and buy some googly eyes, glue them along with a whisper of hair on the George warts and go knock on your frisky neighbor's door. Tell her you have a celebrity in your pants she would love to meet. And then "get down to business". Though seriously, go see your doctor.
Happy Healing,
​Dear Rory
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Recipe Conundrum

3/3/2017

 
Dear Rory,
I need some advice. this vintage recipe has been making the rounds on my newsfeed in the last few days. perhaps yours too. it seriously is making my mouth water and i want to make it for a potluck later this month. my question is regarding serving. since the hotdogs are stitched together with thread and because they form the container for the stuff you put inside (there are alternate recipes for the stuffing out there that sound more delectable and complex than simply sauerkraut), how do the guests get to enjoy the franks too without destroying the entire thing? any advice? or was this a creation that was never really meant to be eaten, only observed for it's beauty?
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Dear Gentle Reader,

I recently had the same problem for a potluck last month, thinking about bringing a similar dish! I thought sauerkraut is so very blase and predictable. It would almost be embarrassing to serve to that to the guests in such an elegant Crown of Frankfurters.
While obviously it is just made for beauty, for if a 
gauche guest were to take one the frankfurters the entire dish would fall apart, the filling is most important.
After long and extensive research, I came up with a solution for a filling to please everyone: Gluten-free, Organic, Free-range Artichoke Spinach dip!
This way I was able to please all the guests, vegetarians, vegans and meat eaters all at once. It was a brilliant solution and a smashing success! Recipe link below:
https://www.foodlion.com/recipes/gluten-free-hot-spinach-and-artichoke-dip/

I hope your dish goes over as well as mine did.

With Love,
Dear Rory



​

    Dear Rory

    Amazing Advice. ALWAYS!

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