Blog Archives

Trip to Montana!

5/31/2017

Dear Gentle Readers, travel travel travel. Dear Rory will be at his family's lake house/cabin for the next week. They swear they have wi-fi, but Dear Rory finds this claim to be a bit dubious...

So Dear Rory will most likely be offline for the coming days.

As I pack the cat that is not our cat, aka Itty Bitty Shitty Kitty is very upset that we are leaving and and has been sitting in our luggage.IDear Rory does not know if he wants to come with us or shit in our plants out of anger.

Dear Rory thinks he is planning to murder us. Yes, it is probably murder.

If you do not hear from me in the next month, call the police because the cat killed me in my sleep.
Wish me luck.
Love,
Dear Rory

Head Gardens!

5/31/2017

Dear Rory loves gardening. There is no better way to fertilize your new garden but with a freshly severed head! (or five)

Sometime heads are the perfect way to start a new garden. Head are full of important nutrients to get get your garden growing! (Plus get rid of that stupid slut whore that paid $60+ million for an ugly ring down the block) She deserves it.

www.dearrory.com/blog/deal-of-the-day5571658

May your garden bloom with your love!

Happy Gardening!
Love,
Dear Rory

Dear Rory loves Janice!

5/29/2017

Baking Suggestions

5/29/2017

Dear Rory,

I'm the owner of an amazing bakery that is doing quite well with a great reputation and a steady stream of customers.

All of that is nice, but I just find myself bored with it all. I feel like I need to create something new to keep me interested, but I haven't come up with the new "cronut" and I'm beginning to get frustrated.

Do you have any fun ideas that I could give test at my shop?

Bored with Baking,

Patty Cake

Dear Concerned Baker,
Dear Rory knows and understands your conundrum. The last time I tried to make a bacon flavored cronut, my kitchen exploded in flames. It was a disaster; my cat caught on fire and ran around the house catching all of my drapery and the upholstery on fire... Such a shame. $30,000 later most everything has been fixed. Expect the cat, he is dead.

So to avoid death and massive furniture costs Dear Rory recommends to keep it simple. And you are in luck! Dear Rory saw a wonderful infomercial last night as he was eating ice cream. (ice cream = cocktails)

Just like Grandma used to make.

Nom Nom Nom.
You Are Welcome,
Dear Rory

Photos of the Day!

5/28/2017

Why not?

With Love,
Dear Rory

Serial Killer

5/27/2017

Dear Gentle Readers,
I have recently been accused of being a "Serial Killer" on the Facebook. I am shocked and amazed that I am the killer in this group. ( it is obviously the lady wearing plaid in the middle)

Dear Rory does not harm animals, nor does he like them.

Yes, I could kill you and take a bath in your blood. That sounds like fun!

Come into my kitchen and I will chop you up into little pieces. Shhhh... It will be over soon.

Splash Splash!
With Love,
Dear Rory

Looking for a New Girlfriend

5/26/2017

Dear Rory,

I have recently inherited quite a bit of money (I'm a fucking MILLIONAIRE!) and am back on the market for a new girlfriend. I am very specific in what I am looking for in a potential mate. She must be 5'2", to match my height, know the "Swedish Slide", the "Norweigan Nookie" and "The Finnish Funnel".

This is non-negotiable.

Please send your advice,

Dirty Dave

Dear Dirty Dave,

Thank you for writing in. I am glad to hear you are back on the market and looking for someone new. There are so many fish in the sea, and nothing catches a fish like a million dollars as bait.

After speaking to your one ex-girlfriend who only gave you a "handy" in the back of your shared cab; she told me you were a "Shit Stain" that doesn't tip and smells of tacos. But a very nice guy in general.

The only solution to your problem is to immediately fly to the beautiful Nordic countries you mention, bring a hard copy of your bank statement and get to fishing!!!

You have so much to offer, like your money, money and some more money. Did I mention your looks and money. You are golden my friend!

Eat those Norweigan berries to your delight.
All My Love,
Dear Rory

Grasshoppers

5/26/2017

Grasshoppers are insects.

Love,
Dear Rory

Ice Cream

5/25/2017

Dear Rory,
My husband has consumed two pints of ice cream in the past two days. I find it shocking and am concerned, What should I do?
With Love,
Dear Rory

Dear Gentle Rory,
This does seem to be a very concerning situation. Two pints seems to be excessive in Dear Rory's opinion.
Is his health OK? Is he lacking calcium? Does he need the fat? Is he feeding his tapeworm?

This could be a very dangerous problem. Tapeworms are vicious and angry creatures that are well known to crawl out at night and eat arms, legs and cheeks. (They really love the face as I have been told)

After exhausting research, Dear Rory has found the solution! It's simply a lock that not even a stoned/drunk adult could open:

Best of Luck.
Dear Rory

Dirty Butt Sofa

5/24/2017

Dear Rory,
Tonight I had a hook up at the grossest apartment I've ever been in.
I didn't even want to sit down on anything. and the smell of mildew and mold... I can still smell it in my nose, you know? as soon as I could get out of there politely, I wrote a long text to my bestie to describe the situation, clicked send. then, horror. realized I had texted the guy whose apartment
I had just left. I feel bad. my text was scathing. what do I do?
-i_guess_i'm_an_asshole_now

Dear Gentle Reader/Mega Asshole,
Dear Rory understands your predicament. It is always a difficult and cumbersome situation when you walk into your future lover's apartment to find a mess!
Dear Rory has walked into several and walked right out.
My advice is that if their apartment is not clean nor well be their "junk" be.
Run away screaming.
Who needs to go to the free clinic three times a month?! But please send them a happy fun sunflower mug the next day.
It's the polite thing to do. (and please go wash yourself)

With Love,
Dear Rory

Butt Face

5/16/2017

Dear Rory,

I'm in desperate need of your help. I have a twofold problem.

1. I'm a Bimbo.

2. I have a buttface.

I often find that these two attributes work against each other. On one hand, I should be banging as many men as I want, but on the other, my face gets in the way. Besides drastic cosmetic surgery, do you have any advice?

Many thanks,

-BM

Dear Gentle Buttface Reader,

I am so happy you wrote in for advice. Many of my friends suffer from severe cases of "ButtFace".

Fear not!

Dear Rory is here to help.

After contacting several proctologists, I have been told that there is no cure for "ButtFace". I tried my best, but I think the best option is to cover your face with a paper bag, or you will probably be stoned to death.

Happy Papering,
Dear Rory

Happy Mother's Day

5/15/2017

Dear Gentle Readers,

Dear Rory wants to wish you and your mothers a happy day. I hope you decided to take her to a brunch, a match of croquet or a murdering spree of your siblings (because there can be only one).

With Love,
Dear Rory

Amazing Joke of the Day!

5/12/2017

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

Well, she has another options... So go suck it Mario!
Love,
Dear Rory

Dear Rory

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