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The First Born

4/30/2012

 
Dear Rory,

The mouth breathing heathens at my office always eat the food that I store in the office fridge for lunch.

How should I dispose of the dead bodies of their first born children when I am done murdering them?

Thanks! 
Viola Ant
Dear Viola,

This reminds me of a wonderful Lifetime-esque film I just watched at the Bogota Hilton. It was entitled "The First Born". Basically, the plot involved a woman's deep descent into insanity due to her pregnancy and first months of child rearing. **Spoiler alert** She buries her own child and is totally whacked out on medication in the end.


So just let nature run it's course. Let your co-workers get pregnant. Give birth. Go insane. And "take of of" their own children.
That way you don't have to do a single thing. Ahhhh, the joys of child bearing.
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Sincerely,
Dear Rory

Cannot Get Enough

4/27/2012

 
Dear Rory- 
What should I do if I find the 'previous advice' page so humorous that i CAN'T stop reading it!? 
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Dear Cannot Get Enough,
You should tell all your friends (and even if they aren't that close) about DearRory.com. Questions are needed for responses. Amazing Advice. Always!

Love Forever,
Dear Rory

Suzumebachi Blue

4/26/2012

 
I am about to meet this girl through common friends,we will go out next week all together(her 2 friends and her ,me and my 2 friends.Note that me and her will be the only single since the rest are already in relationship with each other). 

She already knows that i am interested in her....I didnt like that(her friend told her while she was not supposed to).She also said "ok let's go out but tell him not to do anything that i will feel uncomfortable"

I feel locked down as I already feel i will be judged hard from the first second and in general...she dont want me to do anything that will make her uncomfortable...WTF RORY HELP!!!!WHAT DO I DO? 
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Dear Trapped & Blue (aka international reader),

Being young and attractive I have never known what it feels like to be unwanted. So I am going to put on my ugly face mask and thinking cap for this one...
Gems. Lots of gems. Wear some, bring some for her. I've never known a woman or man to resist the sparkle. Maybe pearls; everyone loves a good mega pearl necklace!

Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory
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NSFGR (Not Safe For Gentle Readers)

4/19/2012

 
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Dear Rory,
i slid my cock to far up my toy and the razor blades are cutting in far to deep
it i move my cock at all i will slice my dick open PLEASE help me. 

Dear Barely Understandable Reader,
First of all: Don't use sex toys with razors included.
Second of all: This is a REAL advice column.  Only REAL advice is given.

Good Luck With Your Future Endeavors,
Dear Rory


Missing You

4/16/2012

 
Dear Rawr,
Who will be answering your Dear Rory questions while you are having your birthday vacay in Columbia?
Yours truly,
Missing you Terribly 
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Dear Gentle Reader,
It is true that I will vacationing in Columbia for my birthday. But fear not! I would never pawn you off on a second rate hack of an advice columnist. I will try and take time out of my busy schedule of visiting botanical gardens, shopping and <insert Columbia themed activities here> to respond to your advice requests. That is how much I love my gentle readers!
Be well and think wonderful thoughts of me on vacation.

With Love,
Dear Rory
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Locked Out

4/16/2012

 
Dear Rory,

I can't seem to find my house keys anywhere. Where did they go? 

Signed,
One Lost Soul
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Dear Lost Soul.

You poor thing; lost house keys can be worse than a splinter. What if you never find them? What if you are locked out of your house forever? What if you are damned to sit outside your own front door, hopelessly pawing at it like a mangy stray dog certain to die of exposure and/or starvation? The HORROR! 

Lucky for you Dear Rory is here to help. I have come up with a few ideas that will get you out of this incredibly dangerous position:

1) Consult a psychic. They know everything. Period. 
2) Call the local police and firemen. Your taxes pay their salaries and they better work for it! Send them all out on a dire mission to find your precious lost keys.
3) Write your congressman. See #2
4) Hire your neighbor's children. This one of the few cases were those overweight bags of bacteria and disease are actually useful. They have a knack for finding small lost things and will work for pennies.
5) Hire a homeless person. See #4
6) Check your hand. 

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Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory

    Dear Rory

    Amazing Advice. ALWAYS!

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