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Locci Nightmare

5/20/2012

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kk Rory you wanna give me sum advisejust so happens i need sum . i went to buy a piece of art yesterdaya bateman called ocean rhapsody i also seen another i liked called Tembo same artist i can get Tembo now and even taked the guy down in price , i really want ocean rhapsody but i will have to wait to locate one and get it shipped ..hmmmmmmm what to do
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Translation*:
Dear Incredibly Handsome and Wonderful Rory,

I hear you give amazing advice and I just so happen to be in need of some. I am in the market to buy a new piece of art and am torn between two pieces. One of the pieces is entitled "Ocean Rhapsody" and the other is entitled "Tembo". I like the "Tembo" because I am getting a fair price on it and it is available right now. Although, I REALLY want the "Ocean Rhapsody" but I would have to track one down and wait for it to arrive.
I'm torn and know that only your wisdom and sage advice can help me out of this terribly difficult predicament.

Much Love,
Locci (a.k.a Your #1 Fan!!!)

* Artistic licence may have been used.
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Dear Locci (a.k.a My #1 Fan!!!),

It sounds like you have dug yourself into quite a major situation here. Picking out pieces of artwork to collect can be the hardest part of one's day! I get tired just thinking about it.
My advice on concerning art or beautiful objects has always been this: Buy what you love!
If you love it now, you'll probably continue loving it in the future. If you just kind of like it now, you'll probably end up growing tired of it.
So buy the the one you love. And if you happen to love them both, then you should buy them both!


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Happy Art Shopping,
Dear Rory
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0 Comments

Nacho Daddy

5/18/2012

2 Comments

 
Dear Rory,

Every couple of weeks I end up grabbing a grilled chicken taco from Del Taco accompanied by their delicious spicy hot sauce for a quick lunch near the office. I find it a consistent product at a fair price, which is hard to find downtown.

The problem I'm having with this Del Taco location is due to an inappropriate acting Manager. She likes me. She really, really likes me. It makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to handle it since I've clearly shown no interest in a 68 year old Guatemalan Grandmother.

How can I make it more clear to her that I want a chicken taco and not her fish taco?

Troubled in TacoLand,

-Nacho Daddy 
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Dear Nacho,

Purchasing a cheap Mexican food item can be the hardest part of one's day. Should I get a special burrito; should I get a Doritos taco; should I just stay classic and get a bean and cheese burrito with fire sauce? The Humanity!!I 

I can empathize with the crushes many service worker develop. I often have to beat them off with churros and bananas.. But enough about me, let's talk about you and Senora Bonita.


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Latin American Abuelitas love three things:
1) New Babies
2) Hot Chocolate (this is skewed by my seeing hot chocolate packaging pictures. Should I give her one cup? All the peeps say: Yes!) 

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3: Fish Tacos and some more grandbabies
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They really want just those three things. Pretend that you intend to give the afore mentioned items and life is fine. Most of all, they love the TACO!!!
The love of the "Taco" is everywhere! Just embrace it and have fun!
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Taco Flavored Kisses,
Dear Rory

P.S:  Give her a NIETA! (en inglés, a Grandaughter!) 


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2 Comments

Rose D

5/14/2012

1 Comment

 
Dear Rory, would like to know what are the thoughts behind December 21,2012.
 Exaclty what's going happen to earth ? 
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Dear Rose,

Fear not! The Mayan calender does not end in 2012. It is simply the end of a cycle and archaeologists recently found new paintings that illustrate that point: Time goes on.
http://www.npr.org/2012/05/13/152519575/maya-artwork-uncovered-in-a-guatemalan-forest?sc=fb&cc=fp 
On the other hand, we're all probably going to die. Maybe from Asian bird flu, maybe from a North Korean missile test, maybe the TSA will decide we all should die and kill us all of if we dare to board a plane. My magic eight ball is cloudy and I cannot say for certain.You should watch more Fox News. They are so smart and will be able to help you in this upcoming battle.
 Go Fox News!
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More Kitty Kisses,
Dear Rory
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Dear Gentle Readers,**UPDATE** I was sharing wine with friends (a.k.a me) when I wrote this post. Please enjoy my drunken writing style.
1 Comment

Penguins

5/13/2012

 

Dear Rory,
Lately, penguins have been invading my dreams. What is the message? 
-Ashton Kucher 
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Dear Ashton,

After extensive research, a.k.a. googling what penguins in a dream means, I found a lovely website for dream 
interpretation: http://www.dreammoods.com  It says:
Penguin

To see a penguin in your dream signifies that your problems are not as serious as you may think. It serves as a reminder for you to keep your cool and remain level-headed. Alternatively, seeing a penguin in your dream suggests that you are being weighed down by your emotions or by a negative situation. You need to find some balance and inner harmony


So my thoughts are that after cheating on Demi and banging all those cheap whores, it isn't as bad as you think. But you should seek balance in all the whores you stick your man finger into. A couple cheap whores totally fine, but a lot of cheap whores es no bueno. Seek some balance dude!

And on another note, stick a glove on it. You wouldn't want to get THIS pregnant:
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Wrap It Up,
Dear Rory

Desperate

5/6/2012

 
Dear Rory, 
My beloved kittycat, Vanessa, refuses to speak to me. Neither will she return my texts and/or voicemails. I am worried that she has a fungus. I would like take her to the veterinarian but, for reasons that I don't feel comfortable discussing at the moment, I am currently restricted from entering the premises of any of my local veterinarian offices. What do I do about Vanessa? I fear this fungus is destroying us. Please help. I am desperate
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Dear Desperate,

I think this issue goes much deeper than just fungus. Let's delve into why your cat is no longer speaking to you. What have you done to Vanessa?! 

Have you changed her brand of cat food?
Did you have sex while she was watching?
Did you not buy her the fantastic new collar embedded with Austrian crystals and gold accents that she had her heart set on?
Did you get yet another cat and, thereby subliminally conveying the message that you don't love her anymore?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you are a terrible owner and do not even deserve a dismissive glance from our dear precious Vanessa. You had better think long and hard about what you did and what your priorities are. Because, right now, my advice to the lovely Vanessa would be to pack her kitty bags and move onto greener pastures.
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Kitty Kisses,
Dear Rory

Poking The Bear

5/3/2012

 
Dear Rory,

I love my husband to death, but I don't know if I can handle him in the morning anymore.

Here's the problem: He won't get up. He would prefer to stay in bed all day long rather than jump in the shower at the crack of Noon and join me for lunch.

How do I raise the Bear?

-Sleepless in Cartegana
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Dear Gentle Reader,

Etiquette and decorum are an integral part of everyone's life. That is why is so very important (unless it's a dire emergency) to never wake a sleeping bear. They tend to be unhappy, rash and in the mood for human blood when startled awake.

My best advice to you is to just let a bear (oso) sleep. You should go have some coffee, paint a picture or go purchase some emeralds for the amazing, sleeping and wonderful bear.
Amazing Advice. Always!

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Love Forever,
Dear Rory
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    Dear Rory

    Amazing Advice. ALWAYS!

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