Blog Archives

Strawberry Hill Strife

3/31/2012

Dear Rory,
I can only get aroused when I'm on or near Stow Lake. Most gentlemen callers aren't keen on Strawberry Island rendezvous. I just don't know what to do.
-Randy Randy

Dear Randy Randy,

I found this question one of my most diffiicult to answer in a while, but after extensive research and hours of pondering, I think I have found you an answer. It's something called Craigslist PnP and it only costs $30! http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/62827316.aspx

Everyone (aka the people in my brain) I spoke to said that the PnP people will go anywhere and pretty much do anything for a "party". So you are in luck! I adore Strawberry Hill and am happy to help find new companions for your "picnics". Keep that chin up and have fun picking strawberries.

With Love,
Dear Rory

Shoes and Sweater

3/29/2012

Dear Rory,
Do these shoes go with this sweater?
-Fancie DeLarouge

Dear Fancie,
Quick answer: Yes.
Long Answer: matching a classic sweater set to shoes can be the hardest part of one's day. I cannot even begin tell you how many hours Dear Rory has pondered a particular pairing of sweater and shoes. The most important part is that you make a statement and look amazing while doing it. Designer sweaters and animal prints usually work well together, especially if you have acrylic nails.
The most important part is that you FEEL as AMAZING as you look. Patent leather pumps with blue fur? Sure. Ballet flats with an over-sized gem sweater? Of course!
You just have to feel beautiful.

Happy Wearing,
Dear Rory

Wine Selections

3/28/2012

Dear Rory:
I'm writing with a rather delicate question - I truly hope you can help me!

My former best friend Ricardo and I had been buds since high school - we were in almost every class together and often would get into shenanigans after school. After both graduating from DeVry, we found ourselves back in our small midwest hometown married to dyslexic twins we met at the county fair, and operating a mechanic shop that converted Priuses into farm combines.

Ricardo gradually got mixed up with some shady characters - he started doing a fair amount of cocaine and neglecting his wife (my sister-in-law) and instead began showing his affections to Bulah, the runner-up best-in-show cow from the aforementioned county fair. (In Ricardo's defense, Bulah -was- a looker, and could party with the best of the barnyard animals.)

Gerontius the bull (Bulah's father) didn't take too fondly to all this, and blamed the government for the ills afflicted on his daughter by the hands of the liberal elite. Furthermore, he was incensed when, on a 3 day bender, Bulah broke her father's piggy bank to score more cocaine for her and Ricardo.

Imagine how much more enraged Gerontius became when, a few weeks later, he learned that his daughter was expecting not just a child but twins(!) fathered by Ricardo.

Gerontius, in a fit of rage, began plotting his revenge. After careful consideration, he hired a Bolivian ninja to take murderous revenge on Ricardo for shaming him and his once-proud bovine family. The Ninja, a nymphomaniac named Franco, snuck up on the lovers late one night in the barn Ricardo had built for Bulah and he just outside of town, and dispatched my dear friend with terminal efficiency. Franco, so overcome with lust at having encountered his quarry "in delicto flagrante" with Bulah, proceeded to make sweet love to her after his brutal slaying of Ricardo. He fell asleep during his post-coital smoke, his cigarette falling to the soft hay below and setting the clandestine lovers' barn ablaze. Its orange glow could be seen from the town center 3 miles away.

My question for you is this: Should I serve Sancerre or Chardonnay with Poached Salmon? Oh, and do you have Ricardo's coke dealer's phone number?

Many thanks,
-R Razooble

Dear Razooble,
I always find Chardonnay a bit garish; Sancerre would be a better choice for your dinner party.

Happy Entertaining,
Dear Rory

Angry Women

3/27/2012

Dear Rory,
I'm in a love triangle with a psychotic woman and a gorgeous woman with combat training. Both of them are armed... what should I do?

Dear Gentle Reader,
It must be a *gasp*, Fight To The Death for your love. May the best Woman Win!!! *throws scarf*

Or better yet, just listen to this:

Best of Luck,
Dear Rory

Cure for the Common Cold

3/26/2012

Dear Rory,

For the past couple years I've been blessed with perfect health. However this morning I woke up to a sore throat and a splitting headache. It looks as though I've caught the common cold.

Despite countless of discoveries and innovations the remedy for the common cold does not exist. So Rory, what do you find to be the best remedy for the common cold?

- Sick, and grumpy.

Dear Sick and Gumpy,
As any medically trained professional (such as Dear Rory) will tell you, the best cure for the common cold is vitamins, rest and plenty of fluids. But after contacting several celebrity doctors (that I want to exist only in my brain, but really are out there) a new magic formula has been found!!!

It consists of: cocaine, marijuana, the muscle relaxant Flexeril, the allergy medication Benadryl, the anti-anxiety medication Xanax, and a nice long hot bath!

Feel Better Soon,
Dear Rory

Too Serious

3/25/2012

Dear Rory,

People find me so funny that at times it can be uncomfortable.
How do I get them to take me more seriously?

Signed,
Hilariously Heavy Hearted

Dear Heavy Hearted,

:/ Dear Rory has to deal with this problem as well ~.~. ALWAYS.(-_~) No matter what or how you say something, people always find it humorous and don't listen the bitch slap of a comment you trying to slather upon them. ^.o.^
The best soloution I've found thus far are to put in a lot angry/evil looking emoticons. :D
for example: That was my brie and apple sandwich =.= (evil eye)
or
How dare you say I look like Pink Slime! >.> (dagger eyes)
or
Why did you sell my cat to the chinese restaurant .... again? Q_Q (tears)
or This chicken tastes familiar 0<>0
or OMG. You are so Funny! (^o^) ...... doesn't really apply to this serious post. =.=
and
My very favorite of all (I learned it from a 20ish year old computer game student) is:
>:(
^ rape face http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rape%20face=.= d(@.@)b >.< >:(

<3 Happy Emoticoning <3,
Dear Rory >:(

What to Wear?

3/24/2012

Dear Rory,
What should I wear today?
Oh, nevermind, I already have my suit picked out!
MWAH!
xoxoxo

Dear Suit Wearer,
While wearing a suit may be acceptable on some occasions, I always suggest something with a little more glamour and pizzazz! Here are some fun examples:

Do my Gentle Readers have any other suggestions?

Happy Wearing,
Dear Rory

CPK Confused

3/23/2012

Dear Rory,

I tend to date losers. The last guy was 32 and worked at California Pizza Kitchen. I didn't even know CPK was still in business. So my question is, why go to CPK when you can get the same exact pizza in the frozen food section of the grocery store? And what the hell is a Chipotle Chicken pizza?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Being unfamiliar with the California Pizza Kitchen, I chose to contact their executive PR specialist (aka an ex-server that worked there during college) and you may be surprised at all the amazing and interesting facts that Dear Rory has learned.
First of all, the clientele are mostly old people or moms with strollers, making the CPK a mega MILF hunting
ground; probably why your stud of an ex worked there. On that note, he may be after a type; time to rethink the wardrobe.
Secondly, there are many dishes that simply cannot be found in the frozen pizza aisle. Help yourself to some of their specialty pizzas. The Tricoloré, a gastronomical experience, is served covered with a tossed salad or a BLT is smothered in a super special mayo sauce.

Thirdly, this is a Chipotle Chicken Pizza:

So, I'm going to go with Pink Slime.

Happy Eatings,
Dear Rory

Dear Rory Is Back!

3/22/2012

Due to popular demand (and me deciding to buy this domain name after a few cocktails one night) Dear Rory is back!

Now who needs some advice?!

We Miss You!

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
When oh when are we ever going to get another "Dear Rory"?

Dear Dear Rory Fan,

I agree, it has been much too long since I have written my daily advice column.

It seems my wonderfully sage advice has cured all my readers, and thier friends, of their woes. So, if you, or someone you know, ever has a problem or needs advice on a situation Dear Rory is here for you.

In the meantime, I just had a fantastic birthday at the racetrack. They decided to do a race in my honor! Here is a picture of me and the winners of my "Hat Contest" in the winners circle:

P.S. I bet on the winning horse!
I love winning! I hope all my readers are loving life and having fun too.

With Love,
Dear Rory

Pillow Talk

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,

Once upon a time I was looking for a pretty boy to play under the covers with.... Now that I've found him, what do I do to keep him rolling around in my sheets and not wondering to someone else's?

Sincerely,
Pillow Talk

Dear Pillow Talk,

I'm so glad to hear you've found a new toy to play with. Now let's make sure he sticks around. So even though you may feel it, never ever, under any circumstances, tell him you love him. That will just totally scare him off. Instead, here are some tried and true way Dear Rory has found for you to express your deep and undying feelings:

1) Knit a matching pair of sweaters for you and him that proudly read "soul mates".
2) Start adding clothes from maternity stores to your wardrobe, and if he comments on the new look, just tell him that you're just "getting ready".
3) You should be the only girl he looks at. So whenever he gets a new magazine you should go through and cut out all the pictures of any women you find. That way you can assure his complete and total devotion.
4) Start making a calendar of any and all anniversaries concerning your relationship, and hang it prominently on the fridge.
5) Free him from repetitive tasks and start answering all of his personal mail, emails and text messages. This way he has more time to spend with you.
6) Show him you love his family too, by inviting them over for dinner, every night.
7) Cut off a piece of his hair while he is sleeping and make it into a necklace. This way you can show him that you always want him close to you.
8) And finally, start taking photos of yourself and leaving them everywhere. And I mean everywhere, in car, in the bed, in the freezer, mail some to him just for fun. He'll treasure each and everyone as he does you.

If you follow these simple guidelines you can be sure he'll be sticking around for a very long time.

Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory

M.I.A.

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,

I have been a horrible flake to one of my favorite happy hour friends. I have missed happy hour so many times I fear my friend will think I don't like $2 beers anymore. What in the world can I do to make it up to this friend?

Love
M.I.A.

Dear MIA,

Sounds like you've been slacking. I fear as well that your friend thinks you don't enjoy $2 beers anymore.

But fear not! I have a solution: Buy a keg and give to your friend. This way you show that you are a fan of beer and want to partake in the pleasure of drinking it. After that, go to every $2 Tuesday religiously. Never forget that Tuesday is the new Friday! By doing this, your friend will forget that you've been a flake and love you for the silly raging alcoholic you are!

With Love,
Dear Rory

Fed Up

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,

I work with a woman that I positively hate. She is lazy, fat, smelly, and NOT a team player. She hates me because I got promoted [to her job] when she was demoted for a making a fairly sizable mistake. This woman is 30 years my senior and has been with the company for almost 20 years. Though she is not well liked, she has protection from higher up. I know she will not quit because she did not get a pay cut with her demotion. In essence, she got less responsibility with a side of shame. But the thing is, she is shameless! She shits on the toilet seat! She pawns off her tiny responsibilities on others. How do I get her to quit?

Signed,
Fed Up in Downtown SF

Dear Fed Up,

Don't take that from the old ugly hag (your co-worker), start driving her insane! Play naughty tricks on her to make her think she's lost her mind.

Open a new email account with her name on it and send her emails, presumably from her self, through out the day about poopy toilet seats and other things you hate about her. Take all her pens and replace them with crayons. Move the files in her desk around, or better yet, to different locations. Have fun; be creative and evil.

If all else fails there is always our tried and true solution: Arsenic.

Happy Hunting,
Dear Rory

Dear Rory Fan Mail!

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
You are awesome! I have no questions, just that statement. I miss you terribly. You're the best.

Sincerely,
your biggest fan!
Phuong

Dear Rory,
you're such a cunt, i get to read your bulletin from time to time.....sooo funny!
Adam

i miss you too! and damn rory you are HOT, way better than that dear abby broad!
P.s Thanks for all the advice!
love,
Skany

Dear Gentle Readers,

I'm so glad everyone has been enjoying my new daily article. Fan mail is always greatly appreciated, and I love you all too!

Kisses,
Dear Rory

Craving Cali

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,

I don't like living on the east coast. I would like to move to San Francisco. What types of jobs should a young gay man such as myself try for in the Bay Area?

Yours truly,
Craving Cali

Dear Craving Cali,

I can't say I blame you; San Francisco is one of the greatest cities on Earth! From the culture, to the shopping, to the people (we're talking about me), you can't get it better than this.

So, now onto the job.

I suppose this depends on the type of young gay man you are. If you are a raging whore, as I know so many young gay men are, then I have a good friend that works at Treasure Island Media. Their old power bottom, Dawson, and his tired sphincter need a replacement. Sure it will be long tiring hours, and it doesn't pay very well, but think of all the new friends you'll make!

Now, if you're a little more reserved and handsome, like me, you can get a job writing a humorous advice column. Unfortunately that doesn't pay anything, but think of all the friends you'll make!

Or you could find a sugar daddy and never have to work another job again.

But no matter what job/man you get, remember that you are still living in San Francisco.

Best Wishes,
Dear Rory

Pretty Picky

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
I need to get laid but I prefer my boys pretty and they are hard to find, what do I do?

Sincerely,
Pretty Picky

Dear Picky,

Pretty boys ARE hard to find, unless you are a young gay man like myself, then they are as plentiful as jelly beans in an Easter basket. Aahhh, it's good to be Rory!

Now, back to you.

So the first part of getting you laid is to actually find someone worth your while. Now, let's think… where do all the pretty/leaning towards straight boys hang out?

Have you tried the gym? You're sure to find pretty narcissistic guys there. Just ask for advice on how to use a machine/weights and the muscle bound meat is sure to start pouring in.

Secondly, always be drunk. It makes people look so much more attractive and that certainly helps out the cause of getting you laid.

And thirdly, boys like boobs! Stick 'em out there!
Now go get laid!

Best Wishes,
Dear Rory

P.S. This came up when I googled images of "Pretty Boys":http://www.traditioninaction.org/RevolutionPhotos/A397rPrettyBoys.html

Bay Area Boob Boy

3/22/2012

Dear Rory~
I find it increasingly hard to talk to a woman without gandering at her jumbiles/mamasitas/boobies. It's as if they're speaking to me. I know that it's right to look a woman in the eyes...but when those beautiful boobies stick out 4, 5, even 6 inches towards me...they call my name. Is this a medical condition? Is there hope for me? Will I ever be able to look up?
~Bay Area Boy who looks at Boobies

Dear Bay Area Boob Boy,
I feel your pain. Everyone likes to look at the "fun bags" every once in awhile, although, it sounds as though your enjoyment has become a dangerous obsession. Believe it or not, some women don't want you to be looking at their Ta Tas all the time. So make sure you check out their body language before your take a peek at their baby feeders. Here's some pointers:
1) Crossed arms always mean a no go (They are doing this to try and protect their person from your lecherous gaze).
2)A thrown back head for an extended period of time is a green light. She's got 'em and you wants to notice.
3) Tattoo on the boob mean she's dying for it. Forget about looking her in the eye. Just talk to her boobs.

Happy Boob Hunting!

Sincerely,
Dear Rory

Dear Rory, Dizzy

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
How many hours of painting ones apartment does it take to make a person go insane?
help me,
dizzy from the paint fumes

Dear Dizzy,

You're looking at the situation all wrong. What is but an apartment in need of paint? Why, it's yet another excuse to throw a party! Silly Dizzy!

Buy some booze, invite all of your friends over (make sure to tell them to bring old clothes) and have a blast. This way you can all get high on paint fumes! Try and make different patterns and/or colors on you walls; have the guests vote on what they would like see on the walls. And always remember plain white walls are a no-no. Those are for boring people and I'm sure you're not boring. Go get'em Dizzy!

Sincerely,
Dear Rory

Concerned in Montana

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
I hate my in-laws. Is that bad? I could care less if I ever saw them again, please help.

Sincerely,
Concerned in Montana

Dear Concerned,
Arsenic.
With Love,
Dear Rory

Confused

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,

I have a friend who went out drinking all day Thursday and now she claims that she has to sleep all day and can't drink with me right now. I want to be supportive of her binge drinking on weekdays, as well as, her reckless sex with strangers. I'm just a little concerned it may tap into MY drinking time with her. Please help Rory!

Dear Confused,

It sounds like your friend is a raging alcoholic, just the kind of person I like.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's drinking more than she can handle. So, I recommend that you run out and buy a portable stomach pump/wet/dry vacuum. Make sure to keep it in your car for occasions such as you described in your letter. Next time she says she's too drunk: whip your new pump out, suck her dry and she'll be able to start drinking with you again.

Cheers!
Best Wishes,
Dear Rory

Farty McGee

3/22/2012

Dear Rory,
I am constipated and my boyfriend makes me eat dried prunes because my farts are stinky.
I hate dried prunes.
How can I poop wihtout eating dried prunes and/or how can I make my boyfriend stop insisting on the eating of these dried prunes?

Sincerely,
Farty McGee

Dear Farty McGee,

Pooping is so passé; get with the times and go get a colonic. This way you don't have to deal with your farts or your stinky boyfriend.
Sincerely,
Dear Rory

First Post!

3/22/2012

Hello All! Dear Rory is back. Above are all of my previous thoughts and advice. (some new pics added too!)
Enjoy!

Dear Rory

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