Blog Archives

First Class or Bust!

4/28/2017

Dear Rory,

I've been looking at booking a holiday, but the cost-differential between Economy and First Class (which is how I usually travel) is a little too vast for my comfort level.

I really need a vacation, but I can't do it in Economy and I can't justify the difference in fare.

What would you do?

- Shitty Kitty

Dear Gentle Shitty Reader,

Flying in Economy is a terrible idea. Asking to leave your seat because of over booking, getting your head bashed in and losing your two front teeth is not a fun way to start your vacation. Dear Rory was once in a middle seat between a screaming child and a man so fat that his stomach rolls went over the arm rest. THE HORROR!

THE HORROR! Dear Rory thinks you should use your airline miles to be upgraded or get the bulkhead and/or emergency exit rows for extra leg room if you cannot pay for first class. Your poor, poor soul.

Happy Flights,
Dear Rory

College Courses

4/27/2017

Dear Rory,
I have been having nightmares lately about passing my college courses. They are awful dreams and I wake in cold sweats in the middle of the night. Please Help!
Sweaty in California

Dear Nervous Student,
Fear not! Dear Rory Just consulted his friend who received this amazing grade on his last test:

While Dear Rory knows that more than 100% is statistically impossible and thinks he is a liar and a fat fat fraud. He did give a few very helpful tips for getting his lie of a test grade.
Blow jobs.

Lots and lots of blow jobs. Forget studying; grab that chap stick and get an A++ in every class!
Dear Rory knows you can do it.

Happy Oral Lessons,
Dear Rory

Deal of the Day!

4/25/2017

For the low low price of $425 (free shipping included) you can buy these fashionable new style of jeans. Show that stupid slut down the block that she just wasted her money on a hot tub that she will never use because you will get all the action by looking like the sleek, stylish person you are and get all the "action". Dear Rory always finds persons that look like they crawled out of a sewer, just mud wrestled a pig and/or just had a terrible spout of incontinence to be the most attractive people on our planet.

shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=INDIGO

Dear Rory honestly must applaud the Nordstrom buyers for the fine selections this season. They amaze, delight and sometimes make Dear Rory want to break out his credit card to go hog wild!

Happy Shopping,
Dear Rory

Deal of the Day!

4/24/2017

www.kitsuperstore.com/spas-hot-tubs/2519-blue-wave-np5767.html

For the low low price of $599 you can be the most amazing person on the block! Find your true love have her open her heart and your beer with her teeth. That it is real love!
On the plus side, you can deflate it when you are done "entertaining". So very elegant.
Get it while you can!
Have Fun,
Dear Rory

Montana Single Ad

4/24/2017

Dear Rory,
Why am I still single when I think I have a lot of good things to offer?
With Love,
Looking For Action in Montana

Dear Gentle Montanan Reader,
Dear Rory knows you have so much to offer. I can tell by your "Glamour Shots" in the photos above. You have your personality, the ability to open beers with what is left of your teeth. And of course your personality.
Truly a catch!
Dating can be so hard in this day and age. Dear Rory has found the most successful and long lasting relationships happen to start on reality television shows. Oh, the modern era is so baffling!
The more hot tubs and roses, the better are your chances will be of finding that perfect stud. So pull the other contestants' hair, secretly feed them laxatives (this is one of Dear Rory's favorites. They will relieve themselves in the aforementioned hot tubs, and you will be good as gold.) Oh, and drink as much vodka as you possibly can. But most importantly, keep it classy.
After all this will be the man you are spending the rest of your life with, and no one wants to do that with a raging, psycho, toothless, angry whore.

Best of Luck,
Dear Rory

I Like Turtles

4/11/2017

My charming and handsome husband just told Dear Rory that he enjoys turtles. This is for you my love:

And just for fun; here are some more.

Always With Love,
Dear Rory

Oh Sally!

4/11/2017

So why did Silly Sally drop her ice cream cone?

because she had no HANDS!
Love,
Dear Rory

Yes!

4/11/2017

HEDDA LETTUCE

4/9/2017

Dear Rory had the pleasure of meeting and watching Hedda Lettuce the other evening. I highly recommend you see and or talk to her if she is in your town. (she is New York based)

P.S.I wore her amazing faux fur coat through the performance. It smelled like weed and lube.

Fun Times in Mexico

4/8/2017

Dear Gentle Readers,
Dear Rory and his stunningly handsome husband have been having an amazing time on our vacation in Mexico. Oaxaca is a gorgeous and ancient city. Mexcal tasting.

We are currently in Puerto Vallarta, and having to deal with the house boys, a three bedroom, three bathroom private villa on the beach with a pool. It is exhausting. Dear Rory simply needs a cocktail!
Oh, wait, I'll just call for one. Life is so difficult in this day and age.

and I know everyone has been wanting to see Dear Rory's lovely nipples.

You are welcome.
Love,
Dear Rory

Vacation to Mexico

4/3/2017

Dear Gentle Readers,
Dear Rory will be away for a week and a half in Mexico. I will be discovering Oaxaca and PV. While I will be having a marvelous time; I will also miss you all so very very much. I know how valuable my advice is to you and I hope you can survive a bit without me.
I know. It will be hard. But please keep writing in your questions and I will answer all as soon as possible.

With All My Love,
Dear Rory

Deal of the Day!

4/3/2017

Dear Gentle Readers,

For the low low price of $5.50 you can have your way this this young handsome gentleman. Call him a Prince if you will. He likes soup or doesn't like soup. He likes to talk, or doesn't like to talk. You can decide what you want. $5.50. (duct tape provided for free).

You Are The Most Welcome,
Dear Rory

April Fools!

4/2/2017

Dear Rory

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