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Dear Rory, I'm writing with a slightly embarrassing problem. I suffer from constant gas attacks. I try and hold it in, but time after time, my flatulence rears its' stinky head. Why just today, I was at the Safeway store thumping on the cantaloupes to check for ripeness, when a thumping started in my pants. That's right, with each knock on the melon, my melon was knocking out gaseous emissions at an alarming rate. I've tried changing my diet, I've tried taking those beano pills, but nothing seems to help. You're my only hope, Dear Rory. How do I end the gassy blooms that flower out of my pants every day.   Dear Flatulent Reader, While I adore your 'floral" language, this sounds to be a serious problem. The first thing that comes to my mind is tape worms. (I have my M.D. from an online course based in Fiji)  Additionally, your method of choosing cantaloupes is incorrect. You smell them, not "knock them". They should smell "floral" and ripe. If you cannot tell the difference, the tape worm has gone to your brain. And you are probably going to die within the month. Please leave all of your will to Dear Rory. Happy Knocking!
Love Always, Dear Rory Dear Rory, I love candies! i love candies so much! But candies doesn't like me. They make me feel bad everytime i eat them. I feel so heavy and like i eat all sugar from the world. Sometimes if i don't buy any candy i feel sad cause i'm greedy of sugar. Will candies make me fat if i eat them all?  Dear Delicate Reader,
I have good news and bad news. Bad news: Yes, if you "eat them all" it will make you fat. Good news: You can simply stick your finger down your throat and make yourself vomit. That way you can taste the delectable sweets twice, TWICE!, without the calorie intake. It's a Win Win! Yay! Happy Barfing! With Love, Dear Rory 'Hello Dear Rory, First, I have to say that am a huge fan of yours. Secondly, and why I am writing in: I am 20 y old boy from ousside of Murica and I think I have a problem. Last night I had a sex with a man for the first time, and I really liked it. But the guy said 'no homo' before we did it, so it doesn't count right? Am I gay or nahhh?  Dear Gentle Reader, I can understand your confusion and anxiety; it is only natural after you get your delicate blossom banged for 7 hours straight without even a break for water (I applaud your fortitude).... This is why I always keep a glass of water on the nightstand. Sexuality is a fluid thing and depends on who your are attracted to. You do not need to label yourself. You can like men and women; if you want to say you are gay. Great! Gay guys are the best in my opinion. If not, you can be the "gay guy" that your girl amazingly turned you into a heterosexual man because her Vag is super amazing! *Hahaha! tosses hair and waits for wedding ring* Do whatever makes you happy. Except raping and killing babies. Dear Rory looks down upon that. (it will not cure your AIDS) Warm Wishes, Dear Rory  P.S. If anyone ever says 'no homo", It is full on homo. Use a condom; you don't want a George Clonney ass.
Dear Rory, A new phrase recently came to my attention and I'm very confused by it. The phrase is "Cunt Punt" and I don't know how to properly use it in a sentence. Is it a verb? A noun? Please help! I really like the way it rolls off the tongue, but I don't want to embarrass myself by using it improperly. Many thanks, Cunt Punt Challenged  Dear Cunt Punt Challenged Reader, Dear Rory understands your confusion. (I may or may not have answered your inquiry before.This is the joy of having a diet that consists mostly of vodka and cigarettes. Everything is a SURPRISE And NEW!) I have heard the term front butt, just to be sure, had to Urban Dictionary "Cunt Punt" to confirm. www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cunt%20punt It is such a lovely term and so very elegant; I decided to compose a Haiku about it: Cunt Punt Whore Face Slut I Will Kick You In Front Butt Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!  Dear Rory, I have an odd cluster of genital warts that looks surprisingly like George Clooney. I also have this bomb ass mama that lives down the street and she just LOVES George Clooney. So, do you think I could use these celebrity wannabe butt warts to score with her? If so, how? I've got hot glue, a large bag of saved up dog hair, and probably at least seventy two cents in change. Much love, ClooneyBumps in Azusa  Dear Gentle Reader, I often get this question because most genital warts look like George Cloony, Mel Gibson or Bono. First, I highly recommend making an appointment with your doctor to address this issue. But interim why not have fun with it?! use your 72 cents and buy some googly eyes, glue them along with a whisper of hair on the George warts and go knock on your frisky neighbor's door. Tell her you have a celebrity in your pants she would love to meet. And then "get down to business". Though seriously, go see your doctor. Happy Healing, Dear Rory   Dear Rory, I need some advice. this vintage recipe has been making the rounds on my newsfeed in the last few days. perhaps yours too. it seriously is making my mouth water and i want to make it for a potluck later this month. my question is regarding serving. since the hotdogs are stitched together with thread and because they form the container for the stuff you put inside (there are alternate recipes for the stuffing out there that sound more delectable and complex than simply sauerkraut), how do the guests get to enjoy the franks too without destroying the entire thing? any advice? or was this a creation that was never really meant to be eaten, only observed for it's beauty?  Dear Gentle Reader,
I recently had the same problem for a potluck last month, thinking about bringing a similar dish! I thought sauerkraut is so very blase and predictable. It would almost be embarrassing to serve to that to the guests in such an elegant Crown of Frankfurters. While obviously it is just made for beauty, for if a gauche guest were to take one the frankfurters the entire dish would fall apart, the filling is most important. After long and extensive research, I came up with a solution for a filling to please everyone: Gluten-free, Organic, Free-range Artichoke Spinach dip! This way I was able to please all the guests, vegetarians, vegans and meat eaters all at once. It was a brilliant solution and a smashing success! Recipe link below: https://www.foodlion.com/recipes/gluten-free-hot-spinach-and-artichoke-dip/ I hope your dish goes over as well as mine did. With Love, Dear Rory This is a real Dear Abby article I just read:  Dear Abby: I am turning 60 and naturally looking a little "worn". My man friend keeps telling me I need a face-lift and to lose 10 pounds, so I'm starting to save my money. Something tells me he wants a "hot chick" and thinks he'll have one once I get these procedures done. It's expensive. What do you think? Loose-Faced Louisianan Dear Louisianan: If you had said you wanted cosmetic surgery because you thought you needed it, I would say go ahead. However, if it's only because your man friend is pushing you, then he should save his money and, offer to foot the bill.  Holy shit. This bitch is trolling and trying to steal my job! Dear Rory completes agrees that if your man want to change your looks and carve up your face, OF COURSE he should pay for it! What does this remind me of.....  Dear Rory, I don't wear underwear but that doesn't stop me from trying on pants at retail stores. I guess that's not a question. Just sharing. Smell ya later. Signed, Going Commando 
Dear Gentle Reader, It's always lovely hearing from my fans and I am thankful for you sharing. Fan mail is one of my favorite things; please keep it coming! As for your personal preference to not wear under garments while trying on clothes..... I say go for it. Who doesn't love a heady smell of butt when buying new clothes? All My Love, Dear Rory 
Dear Rory, First of all, I have to say I am your number one fan! You are so amazing and I find your advice so very relevant during my everyday life. Now to my question: For years I've wondered about this, hoping you can help me work it out. Should one avoid fellatio if one's partner has not showered since taking a dump? In my mind, if the cock and balls are hanging down into the bowl during the dump, there must be a decent amount of E. coli sprayed across the genital region, right? All My Love, Ella  Dear Ella, I've contacted many experts (no one) on your delicate and difficult dilemma. Opinions have varied, some say it is unsanitary and should be avoided. Others say that E. Coli can add certain flavor and spice to the dish. Dear Rory says, who gives a shit?! Suck that cock if you want! Happy Hunting, Dear Rory  Dear Rory, Where can a cute, asian-looking-mexican-gay-boy find a place to lay his head when visiting the Bay in early August? Lexicocity 
Dear Hairless Asian looking Mexican, You are always welcomed to stay at the Treehouse. Just let Dear Rory know the dates and you always have a bed (aka air mattress) to sleep upon. All My Love, Dear Rory 
Dear Rory, Where can I find some slutty clock? Love, Tatters (Your #1 fan!!!) 
Dear Tatters, From what I hear you are doing a fine time of finding slutty cock (you wrote clock but I'm assuming it's cock, for I have yet to meet a slutty clock. Those whorish clocks with their hands moving all around and such!) and need no help from me. None the less, you wrote in to the website and Dear Rory is here to help. 1. Airport Bathrooms 
Little know fact: Airport bathrooms aren't just for pooping after long flights! Airport bathrooms are a wonderland of slutty cocks. From closeted cowboys to DILFS looking for a little relief to Republican Senators and Congressmen; it runs the gamut! A veritable smorgasbord of slutty clock! There is something about foot tapping I heard.But, I'm not sure how it all works so fuck it. Just bust into a stall while someone is pooping and thrust your cock in their face. Bam! Weeeeeee! What could go wrong? 
2. Bus Station Bathrooms 
While it might be a step down from the airport bathrooms, my co-worker swears by it. He's gotten lucky there many times.The anonymity provided from cracks whores, homeless people and gamblers headed to Vegas is priceless. They are willing to go and ready. Plus, they won't remember your name, let alone face, even if you paid them (which you don't). 
3. The Republican National Convention 
Oh Tatters, The Republican National Convention is like the glory hole of slutty cocks; you can's swing a dead cat without finding an old white guy with a hard on. Cock cock cock cock. Those closeted queen look forward to it every year. It's like the Garden of Eden for self- hating, horny, slutty cocks. 
Happy Hunting!
Love, Dear Rory Dear Rory, My girlfriend recently told me she can't reach orgasm without being tied to a phone pole and beat with a dead mongoose. I'm down with that, though. My question is this: What would be the appropriate meal for after one of our sessions? One of Your Biggest Fans, Dom Dellaoise  Dear Dom, What a coincidence; I always find myself ravenously hungry after a good round of dead mongoose play! Your girlfriend and I must have so much in common. That kinky bitch! So there a few options you could go with depending on your personal taste and budget. One of my absolute favorites after a good mongoose beating is the Olive Garden:  Nothing fills that hunger quite like an authentic home cooked Italian meal and the Olive Garden is close enough. Plus you always get your money's worth with their "Never Ending Breadsticks and Salad"! (I always throw some extra in my bag for later)   Another fantastic option is P.F. Chang's  I love this option because you already have a tenderized mongoose ready to go and P.F. Chang's can be very accommodating. It's not listed on the menu but if you bring in your mongoose and pay a small fee, similar to a corkage fee and around $7-8, they will prepare your mongoose any way you would like! I personally enjoy the Sweet and Sour Mongoose, or the Mongoose lettuce wraps. But the choice is up to you, have fun!   Or course if you are broke, a savage and/or a hillbilly, you can just eat the mongoose right then and there at the phoone pole. Sometimes that is more kinky than the mongoose play it's self!  Happy Hunting, Dear Rory 
Dearest Rory, Why can't I count past potato? Thanks, The Nym 
Dear Nym, I enjoy potatoes as much as the next cheap hooker. I think you may be dick/potato hypnotized as I am. Here is some more potato porn. (grab your lube) 
Oh yeah! soft and with butter.... 
and then this happened: 
Congrats on the new Baby! That will be 2k a month in child support. 
Moral of the story, If you fuck a potato, use a condom. 
HAWT!!!! Happy fapping, Love, Dear Rory 
Dear Rory, Do you find it odd that I'm sexually attracted to Jabba the Hut? As you can see from the following photo of my most recent internet searches, I have a thing for the "big and fun"! -Fatty Fun. 
Dear Fatty, I also have an affinity to things that are chubby. For example: one of my favorite artists is Botero and he made nothing but fat, little chubby things: 
Chubby Chubby duck duck 
Who doesn't like a little extra skin for the loving? 
I think Botero and TLC are on to something.... Chub sells. Please fell free to whack off to these the few images 
All My Love, Dear Rory 
Dear Rory, I've recently decided to commission a sculpture from a local artist. My chosen subject will be an impressionist rendition of three squirrels fighting over a discount bin CD of Milli Vanilli in a Target store located in Bumblefuck, Arkansas. What, in your opinion, is the best medium for this sculpture, and on top of the commission, would a lobster encased in Lucite make an appropriate gratuity? Thanks, Ronnie R.  Dear Gentle Reader,
When I think of Milli Vanilli, I think of Llama poo. It's sure to be a winner and the squirrels will love it! In lieu of a commission or lucite lobster, I'd appreciate it if you just adopted a Llama instead. http://www.solollamas.org/adopt.html Just think of the endless hours of enjoyment you'll have with your new Llama! Love always, Dear Rory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08BRy0MoIA8 Just because I like Butt:   and, pretty face (almost as good as a nice butt) :   with Love,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, I am a fan of cocktails as much as the next person. However, as I arrive to the bar by myself, excited about what new drink shall I try until the barkeep becomes my new best friend, I disappoint myself when I end up choosing the same generic brand drink. Do you have any good suggestions for cocktail n00bs? 
Dear Ann, Your choice of cocktail all depends upon the time of day! If it is before 11 am, the best thing I can recommend is a Jager Blast. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds like a good thing in the morning. 
If it is noonish you should have a glass of white wine! 
Around 3, you should switch to a White Wine Spritzer. 
Past 4, you should switch to a proper cocktail like a Manhattan! 
For dinner, you should order a bottle of old vine zin. 
and to end the evening, have a breath mint, PLEASE! 
Happy Soup Time!
With Love Always, Dear Rory Dear Rory: I'm attending the Burning Man Festival this year in Nevada's Black Rock Desert. I'm wondering what kind of shoes will be most appropriate to be worn while drinking cheap beer, dancing through dust storms, and canoodling faerie-wing-wearing 23 year old twinks tripping on mushrooms. Any advice? Thanks in advance, Ronnie Razooble 
+ 
= 
Dear Ronnie, I think your plan is solid and true. Nothing gets a cute young twink like a pair of snazzy loafers! I always use Aerosoles or Rockports myself; of course with my hearing aid, batteries, medicare and exboirant costs of bath salts, I rarely get to buy myself a new pair. Those companies I mentioned before, tend to make the most sylsih and comfortable shoes I'VE EVER SEEN! But please don't limit yourself. So I've tried to compile a list that my be helpful. Here's a Hum Dingger!: 
And OOH, wow! 
Those 'el keep me up all night 
Shizzam! 
Hopefully one of those work for you. And if not, just dance in your bare/bear feet. What do those silly twinks care?! Happy Hunting, Bear Rory P.S. Please feel free to posy your own recommendations! Dear Rory, Is it inappropriate to ask a man to tongue the fart box while he's nuzzling my oyster? Yours Truly, Gidget Areola For those Gentle Readers that aren't privy to the lingo, please take a glance at the examples:  Oyster  Fart Box Dear Gidget, That sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me. I mean, while down there one should take care of any and all business. Get to it! The only recommendation I can make is to give it another name other than "fart box". Something that sounds a little more delectable/"classy" and a little less gassy. That is why Dear Rory is here to help! After polling a number of professional word smiths (a.k.a some homeless guys I met on the subway today). I have come up with some marvelous alternatives that will get your man coming back and begging for second helpings! Fart Box no. It's a: Hidden Treasure Trove Care Bear EaterAsspussy Chocolate starfish Rosebud Balloon knot Hershey Highway and my personal favorite, Chocolate Lava Cake Why have dessert when you can have a Fart Box?! Best Wishes,
Dear Rory Dear Rory, I have this obsession with killing asmos. I hate the black wings, the stink, and the gutteral sound of thier wretched speach. What is wrong with me? Khallis 
Gross! Super Sick! Barf!!!! Dear Gentle Reader, As a fellow Aion player, I understand the deep and undying hate of the beady eyed, claw fingered, bad breathed hairbacks (a.k.a Asmodians). Every time I see a member of this race (if you can call it that) I get an itching in my fingers to hit the 2 key. It's my stab, stab stabby key. So I think we must both suffer from the same affliction. *Stab, Slap, Kill* So I say we take a step back and look at the larger picture. The game makers have put us against each other. The game makers make their names blood red. The game makers rape us for money at every chance they get. 
It's not the Amos that are our enemy, but NCSoft. *plays dramatic music* Happy Hunting,
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