Dear Rory,
I have been having nightmares lately about passing my college courses. They are awful dreams and I wake in cold sweats in the middle of the night. Please Help!
​Sweaty in California

For the low low price of $425 (free shipping included) you can buy these fashionable new style of jeans. Show that stupid slut down the block that she just wasted her money on a hot tub that she will never use because you will get all the action by looking like the sleek, stylish person you are and get all the "action". Dear Rory always finds persons that look like they crawled out of a sewer, just mud wrestled a pig and/or just had a terrible spout of incontinence to be the most attractive people on our planet.

shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=INDIGO​

Dear Rory honestly must applaud the Nordstrom buyers for the fine selections this season. They amaze, delight and sometimes make Dear Rory want to break out his credit card to go hog wild!

Happy Shopping,
Dear Rory

www.kitsuperstore.com/spas-hot-tubs/2519-blue-wave-np5767.html​

My charming and handsome husband just told Dear Rory that he enjoys turtles. This is for you my love:

And just for fun; here are some more.

Always With Love,
​Dear Rory

So why did Silly Sally drop her ice cream cone? 

because she had no HANDS!
Love,
​Dear Rory

Dear Rory had the pleasure of meeting and watching Hedda Lettuce the other evening. I highly recommend you see and or talk to her if she is in your town. (she is New York based)

P.S.I wore her amazing faux fur coat through the performance. It smelled like weed and lube.

Dear Gentle Readers,
Dear Rory and his stunningly handsome husband have been having an amazing time on our vacation in Mexico. Oaxaca is a gorgeous and ancient city. Mexcal tasting.

We are currently in Puerto Vallarta, and having to deal with the house boys, a three bedroom, three bathroom private villa on the beach with a pool. It is exhausting. Dear Rory simply needs a cocktail!
Oh, wait, I'll just call for one. Life is so difficult in this day and age.

and I know everyone has been wanting to see Dear Rory's lovely nipples.

You are welcome.
Love,
​Dear Rory

With All My Love,
​Dear Rory

Dear Gentle Readers,

For the low low price of $5.50 you can have your way this this young handsome gentleman. Call him a Prince if you will. He likes soup or doesn't like soup. He likes to talk, or doesn't like to talk. You can decide what you want. $5.50. (duct tape provided for free).

You Are The Most Welcome,
Dear Rory

directboats.com/swanpaddleboat.html?utm_source=googlepepla&utm_medium=adwords&id=60306043005​

Dear Rory,
You are amazing and always give such sage advice. So I need your help.
What's with girls and always bringing up their ex's?
-Desperate in Texas

There once was a man from Nantucket, 
Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 
He said with a grin 
As he wiped off his chin, 
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it! 
​

nypost.com/2017/03/21/bull-gores-11-inch-horn-up-matadors-butt/​

For the low low price of $60 million USD (estimate) You can own this exquisite 59.60 ct pink diamond. 

www.thejewelleryeditor.com/videos/fine-jewellery/is-this-the-next-record-breaking-diamond/?action=play​

You can be the most glamorous person on your block. Who cares about the lovely Gucci shoes the harlot bought down the street when you have the most valuable diamond up for auction on your hand?
Dear Rory says "Go Big or GO Home!"
Happy Shopping and Good luck at the auction in Hong Kong (It is actually a really boring city).

You're Welcome,
​Dear Rory

On a side note: the model's finger nails are awful. For $60 million USD we deserve better. Find a new manicurist.

2 packets of lime jello
1 can of Redi-Whip (cool-whip could suffice)
1 can of pineapple chucks (well drained)
a handful of chocolate covered gummy bear or tootise rolls

Step 1: boil 2 cups of boiling water
Step 2: dissolve the jello
Step 3: add a 1 cup of cold water to the jello
Step 4: let the jello set for 30 mins
Step 5: Mix in the chunks of canned pineapple
Step 6: slightly oil the bunt pant or any other mold with a little vegetable oil
Step 7: pour the jello mixture into mold and chill for 4 hours
Step 8: slightly warm the mold in warm water for an easy release (you can use you fingers to help get it out. Just wash your hands before doing so)
Step 9: Flip onto a plate and decorate with your amazing "whipped cream" and gummy bears

All of your friends will be amazed and dazzled by your cooking talents. So therefore you will be invited to all of their future dinner parties! You are welcome for the sage advice.

Happy Cooking,
​Dear Rory

For the low low price of $1100 you can be the most fashionable person on your block! (way better than that stupid  fat whore slut that bought those plastic knee jeans)

shop.nordstrom.com/s/gucci-kimberly-embellished-pump-women/4345405?cm_mmc=displayfb-_-kenshoo-_-ret-_-76521855​

Dear Gentle Reader,

It is obvious that your girlfriend finds this amusing. She is a disgusting bitch and you should probably get rid of her. Maybe in a river or a swamp. Both work.
If one needs to fart Dear Rory recommends simply walking outside or going to the vanity room. 
It is so very déclassé to fart in public, even more so upon your love interest. 
So I recommend a Swamp, it could suit her gaseous nature. Additionally,​ bodies are harder to find.

With Hope and Love,
Dear Rory

Comment
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